The night before the plane ride...

    Well, it's the night before the plane ride. It's almost 11pm. My plane leaves MCI airport at 6:45 am. Way too early to be up in my opinion. I'm honestly not sure what to feel. A mix of excitement, nervousness and sadness all have me rather confused.
    I decided to start this blog as a way to keep everyone updated, and to share what's really going on in my life. And I don't plan on trying to clean it up, I want to be honest and let everyone see who I am.
   So back to the trip. I was invited on July 4th to go spend the next 4 1/2 months in Thailand attending a Cadence Int. sponsored Discipleship Training School. It would be 4 1/2 months of intense growing and missions.  At first the idea seemed crazy because the school started on the 27th of July. However, I realized that it was where I needed to be. I knew it was where God wanted me. So I started talking to the Cadence staff who had invited me, and getting it set up. Everything started falling into place and it became more and more clear to me it was where God wanted me.
   Last Wednesday though, everything came crashing down when my mom and I got in a fight that brought out my dark secret of 8 years. I struggle with suicidal thoughts. I have never done anything about them, but there are nights when the darkness closes in and all the pressures of the world build up and make me want to just crack and give up on life. This is a secret I've hidden for years in shame. I felt like I was a failure of a Christian for even having those thoughts at all. And that would only push me deeper into the cycle of darkness. There were many days I didn't even want to get out of bed. Needless to say, mom finding out about this made some reactions. The next day I was unknowingly drug to counselling. I honestly wanted nothing to do with it. I refused to get out of the car. Eventually, mom won and over the course of the next couple hours we ended up talking to a counselor there. It was hard, can't lie. I HATE crying in front of people and I did a lot as we talked. It was a struggle for me to be seen so weak, not only emotionally, but for them to know I had these thoughts! These great Christians, knowing this thing I struggled with...I mean, I've been a Christian as long as I can remember, Godly parents, always in church, knew all the right answers, but here I am struggling with an obvious stupid thing. What a failure. Through that counselling session though, and through the next couple days talking with my parents, I realized it wasn't me failing, it was an attack from Satan. As a Christian, I am God's child, and what better way to get to a parent than through their child?
    I can't say I even now remember this all the time, I still feel like a failure sometimes. But the verse Ephesians 6:10 Finally be strong in the Lord, and in His mighty power. That verse really made me realize something, it's not about how strong I am. What I can do. It's about my weakness, my brokenness, and letting God show how strong He is through that. Me living in His strength.
   Back to the story again though. This issue seemed like it was going to derail going to Thailand. However, God still obviously wanted me there. One of the Cadence staff in Thailand has her masters in Biblical Counselling, allowing me to go and still be able to have the support to be able to work through my struggles.
    So I'm laying in bed, the night before my plane takes off. Knowing morning is coming way too soon. I will be traveling from Kansas, to San Francisco, to Tokyo, to Bangkok, to Chiang Mai. I'm honestly pretty nervous about leaving and traveling that far alone. I'm so sad at all the goodbyes( I do NOT do goodbyes well). But also very excited to see what all God has in store for me in Thailand. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."