Ok so I know the title is cheesy, but I have to take the chance I have to make a reference to Kansas' claim to fame. And as I'm just now back in Kansas, it fits.
The plane ride back was so long! I'm still getting over jet lag. Nothing super eventful happened. I watched a bunch of movies in Chinese with subtitles on my longest plane ride.They were pretty funny. But that could have just been my lack of sleep at that point. The highlight was hanging out at the military USO in the LAX airport. It just was once again a huge reminder to me of how much I truly want to eventually be in missions to soldiers. The goodbyes leaving Thailand were terrible. The people there are family in a million ways. I still am not sure how I'm going to make it without them. The goodbye with Bethany 2 days later in Malaysia was also completely awful. Her friendship has meant so much to me and I can't wait for my next chance to see her. I miss them all soooo much! It's been so great to hang out with my family here again though and be back in this house and also getting to see some friends. I'm looking forward to seeing many more! (and shout out to my mom for my amazing room!!)
I have a confession to make. Coming back, I knew I wasn't really going to fit in again. My mindset has been changed so completely and there is just no way to get that mindset without having been in the experiences of life over there. That was something I accepted as fact, and was I thought ok with. But then that observation started slipping into more. It started to slip into me being prideful and judging everyone around me. I caught myself being insanely pessimistic about everyone and everything. Nothing was good enough compared to my home and family in Thailand. Something I honestly just realized. But seriously, how stupid is that? That I took this huge gift God has given me of the past year, and turned it into something I can feel superior about? None of it has had anything to do with me. If anything, the past year has shown how incapable I am and how I am completely reliant on God for my everything. I started mentally distancing myself from everything here while longing already to be back out in the mission field.. And I also don't think it's wrong for me to want to be in the missions field. I think that is where God has called me and so naturally, that is where my heart will be. I also don't know if I will ever really belong in Kansas. But I'm not every other person in Kansas, and they aren't me. There certainly do NOT need to be thousands of me in the world(can you imagine? what a nightmare!) so why should I be comparing myself and what God does with me, to what God does with other people? It's for sure not something I can say I've completely stopped doing. Thankfully, God was gracious enough to smack me in the head with it. My goal is to really just start focusing on all God is doing here, and all the positive things. I don't know how long I'll be in Kansas but God has me here for a reason right now. It's time I stopped whining and started figuring that out and acting on it. Just because I'm back here, doesn't mean I'm serving God any less than over there. It's easy to think that only 'missionaries' are serving God. But that just doesn't make sense. While God has called everyone to share Him with those around them, He certainly hasn't called everyone to pick up everything and go do missions work in a foreign country. What would happen to everyone we left behind? Serving God is about bringing God glory in everything you do. Making Him smile on every aspect of your life. He has you were you're at for a reason. :)
Monday, February 20, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Countdown...
First countdown complete!! Happy Valentines Day!! Well, it is here in Thailand anyways. I have a wonderful Valentine today, thank you Bethany ;) Who just can't seem to find surprises out! I had her present hidden in one of my drawers and for some reason she decides to start going through my drawers and sees it! So the surprise is ruined but oh well...
Second countdown-- 2 days! till Bethany and I get on a plane to Malaysia. She needed to get out of country for her visa so I am 'escorting' her to Malaysia where we will stay for 1 day before I fly straight home from there. This is also the countdown to some very very difficult goodbyes to all the people here who have become like family to me in so many different ways.
Third countdown-- 4 days, goodbye to Bethany. I think this will be the hardest goodbye I have to say. Neither of us are sure what we are going to do without each other. Right after I say goodbye, I'll be getting on a plane to fly half way around the world by myself with a broken back. I love adventure!
Fourth countdown-- 5 days, touchdown in America!! I am so excited to see all my family and friends! I have missed them all so much!! I'm also super excited to just be back in America. I am so proud to be an American!
Fifth countdown -- 2 1/2 months, till I can get out of this back brace!! It's already driving me crazy and I'm going insane with the little amount of physical activities I can do!
All of these countdowns have my head swirling in a fury of thoughts and emotions. I am so so so excited to be home and seeing family. But at the same time, the goodbyes will be some of the hardest of my life. My time here I feel has forged some of the strongest bonds I have ever had. I have changed so much here and grown into a very different person, and these people have been with me every single day. Sharing a house with them has let them see me at my best and my worst. I have to admit quite a few insecurities in coming home to the people I left behind. I'm holding tightly to the security I have gained in Christ since coming here. I'm not sure what the future holds or how I'll be able to handle myself being back in America. I can only imagine it's going to be a bit of a rough transition.
Thankfully all of this pales in comparison to another countdown. The countdown of Christ's return. Except this is a countdown we have no date for. Instead, we are called to live like it's tomorrow. And so that is my plan in returning home and making so many choices that I'll be called upon to make once back. Even with a broken back, I want to live like Christ is coming home tomorrow. Making every single second count. Every day finding a new way to bring Him the glory He is so entirely worthy of.
Second countdown-- 2 days! till Bethany and I get on a plane to Malaysia. She needed to get out of country for her visa so I am 'escorting' her to Malaysia where we will stay for 1 day before I fly straight home from there. This is also the countdown to some very very difficult goodbyes to all the people here who have become like family to me in so many different ways.
Third countdown-- 4 days, goodbye to Bethany. I think this will be the hardest goodbye I have to say. Neither of us are sure what we are going to do without each other. Right after I say goodbye, I'll be getting on a plane to fly half way around the world by myself with a broken back. I love adventure!
Fourth countdown-- 5 days, touchdown in America!! I am so excited to see all my family and friends! I have missed them all so much!! I'm also super excited to just be back in America. I am so proud to be an American!
Fifth countdown -- 2 1/2 months, till I can get out of this back brace!! It's already driving me crazy and I'm going insane with the little amount of physical activities I can do!
All of these countdowns have my head swirling in a fury of thoughts and emotions. I am so so so excited to be home and seeing family. But at the same time, the goodbyes will be some of the hardest of my life. My time here I feel has forged some of the strongest bonds I have ever had. I have changed so much here and grown into a very different person, and these people have been with me every single day. Sharing a house with them has let them see me at my best and my worst. I have to admit quite a few insecurities in coming home to the people I left behind. I'm holding tightly to the security I have gained in Christ since coming here. I'm not sure what the future holds or how I'll be able to handle myself being back in America. I can only imagine it's going to be a bit of a rough transition.
Thankfully all of this pales in comparison to another countdown. The countdown of Christ's return. Except this is a countdown we have no date for. Instead, we are called to live like it's tomorrow. And so that is my plan in returning home and making so many choices that I'll be called upon to make once back. Even with a broken back, I want to live like Christ is coming home tomorrow. Making every single second count. Every day finding a new way to bring Him the glory He is so entirely worthy of.
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