Epilogue

Well, it’s been forever since I’ve written any update; but I feel the need for an epilogue to the journey that you all have followed me through over the past year.
Since getting home so so much has changed, I’m not even really sure where to start.
As soon as I touched down in America I was ready to turn around and leave again. I figured at best I’d be in Kansas for 3 months and be gone. There were so many different options. Staying in Kansas was certainly not one of them. Then once again, God stepped in.
One day about a month after being home, I got a phone call from a lady that my best friend knew from teaching her daughter riding lessons. She had an idea. There was this place that had a house, indoor riding arena, 18 horse barn, and 18.5 acres that she thought would be an amazing place to get a horse ministry/therapy started. But she didn’t know much about horses or horse therapy. However, her and her husband where interested in buying the place and turning it over to someone to live there and run a stables and ministry out of it. My first reaction was two-fold. Right off the bat I started thinking; not a chance in this world am I getting stuck in Kansas. Ever. But then part of me also started thinking about how much this was my dream. Over the next couple weeks through a lot of prayer, God changed my heart. For months before I’d been on the fence on how I was supposed to build up a horse ranch for therapy and not stay in one place and still travel all over and just never stay in one place. I knew that those two didn’t fit together. But this change in heart was overwhelming. All of a sudden I just couldn’t imagine leaving Kansas. I fell in love with all the small town quirks. I realized how badly I wanted to have roots somewhere: how badly I wanted that stability and home-base. And all the while, God was pulling more things and more people together for this farm. I decided there was absolutely nothing I wanted more than to start this ministry. They closed on the house/land on Monday and so I’ll be moving in hopefully within the next couple days. It’s only about 4 minutes down the road from my family, and it’s the house I’ve driven past for years saying I wanted. There is a crazy amount of work that needs to be done on it but I couldn’t be more thrilled. We’re hoping to have it fully running by the start of the school year and also do some stuff out there throughout the summer. We don’t have a name for it as of yet, but it’s going to be a non-profit ranch that will offer Equine Assisted Psychotherapy (which will target all groups ranging from soldiers with PTSD to kids in the foster system to abuse victims to many many other types of people in need), community outreach, team/leadership building, bible studies, a horsemanship program, riding lessons and horse training among other things. We’ll be teaming up with mental health professionals and local churches also to make it that much more effective at reaching the local community. I couldn’t be more thrilled with how God is pulling everything together for this. He has provided the most amazing person for me to be running this place with. Her name is Kim and she’s just amazing!!!!!!!! Also He provided a mental health specialist who is already working up on the Ft here who is interested in working with the military and their families with our ranch. God is just so incredible!! And all of this wouldn’t’ have worked out if I had not fallen off that horse, broken my back, and come home early from Thailand.
Another huge thing that has been happening in my life since coming home is a growing relationship with a very amazing man, Ethan. Coming home from Thailand I was dead set against getting involved in any way with any guy, even just the littlest bit. I had written out a list of expectations a guy had to meet before I’d even consider dating/being courted by him. I thought the list was pretty impossible. But once again, God had other plans that He started to show me when meeting this guy at our new church.   He was one of my friends older brother and so I spent some time around him just being with her and I started to realize just what an amazing, Godly man he was. The more I got to know him, the more things on the list I realized he fit. The more I realized I just couldn’t even think straight when he was around. Last night he went and asked my dad’s permission to court me and then came over and asked me.  I of course said yes and have not been able to stop smiling since. Right after he asked me though he asked if we could pray and make sure we started this off right. In that second any shadow of a doubt I had disappeared. The excitement and absolute peace God has given with Ethan is crazy. I’m so crazy excited to see what the future holds.
So this is the final entry in this blog. As soon as we have a name for the farm, I’ll be starting a new one though to keep everyone updated on what’s happening there. I ask for your continued  prayer for this farm as we work to get it started, fundraise, and start working to reach people. Also, if anyone is interested in coming out and doing anything around the farm or has old horse stuff or stuff for a house, or office or anything, we have nothing right now. God is the great planner and provider. May my life bring Him praise and honor and glory in all that I do.

cowgirl4christ17@yahoo.com

All Gave Some, Some Gave All

They say that the eye is the window to the soul. After today I agree with whoever ‘they’ are. One look into their eyes today and you could see a soul laid bare. The soldier’s eyes showed a knowing. Knowing the risks of their job, knowing the sacrifice, knowing why, and knowing it could have been them just as easily. The eyes of the retirees showed memories long buried being brought once again to the forefront of their minds; friends lost, battles fought, years long past. The eyes of the soldier’s wives and mothers showed a deep fear. Fear that their personal soldier would be next. Fear they would be the one receiving the next flag and attempting to pick up the broken pieces. The eyes of the Patriot Guard revealed deep respect and honor and a willingness to fight for the honor of those who had given their all. Not all eyes revealed things so pleasant though. There were eyes there that revealed nothing but a piercing hate; hate for America, hate for its soldiers, and hate for its people.
All of these souls lined the streets of Topeka, Kansas today for common reason though; the death of SGT Jamie Jarboe. He was shot by a sniper nearly a year ago in Afghanistan that hit him in the spine.  He fought through over 100 surgeries, before his injury claimed his life on March 21st. The streets surrounding his funeral and memorial where lined with flags, with people from every different background holding them, taking their Saturday morning to honor the fallen hero. As they drove by in their cars, many people slowed down, saluted, nodded, honked, or gave the thumbs up as they passed. Others took the opportunity to spew profanities and insults to those holding the flags. Protestors also lined the streets. For whatever reason though, they left after a short time; leaving those to honor the hero. As the funeral procession passed carrying the body of the fallen hero, eyes teared up, soldiers snapped to attention and saluted, and the whole street stood a little straighter and fell into silence.  The cars were filled with soldiers in uniform and their families, all trying to keep their composure; all struggling with even that. After the end of the procession,  people holding our flag united together in support of this soldier. It brought them together in a common bond of brother hood. Complete strangers embraced to share in the grief of losing one of America’s boys.
To my left was a group of young soldiers holding their flags in proper form. One of them reflected out loud to no one in particular.  "Man, people showing up and holding flags for a soldier they don't, that's what's up. If they did that for my funeral....yeah. We all gave up a part of ourselves signing up, and to know that people know and care and remember our sacrifice...."  And today, a soldier was remembered and honored for the sacrifice he made.
Let us never forget the ones who have died, or the ones who daily volunteer to. Let us never forget the sacrifices they make. Let us never forget or take for granted the freedom they fight for. Let us keep America worth fighting for while they’re away.  Let us never waver in standing firmly behind them as they stand boldly in front of us.

          All Gave Some, Some Gave All

There's no place like home...

Ok so I know the title is cheesy, but I have to take the chance I have to make a reference to Kansas' claim to fame. And as I'm just now back in Kansas, it fits.

The plane ride back was so long! I'm still getting over jet lag. Nothing super eventful happened. I watched a bunch of movies in Chinese with subtitles on my longest plane ride.They were pretty funny. But that could have just been my lack of sleep at that point. The highlight was hanging out at the military USO in the LAX airport. It just was once again a huge reminder to me of how much I truly want to eventually be in missions to soldiers.  The goodbyes leaving Thailand were terrible. The people there are family in a million ways. I still am not sure how I'm going to make it without them. The goodbye with Bethany 2 days later in Malaysia was also completely awful. Her friendship has meant so much to me and I can't wait for my next chance to see her. I miss them all soooo much! It's been so great to hang out with my family here again though and be back in this house and also getting to see some friends. I'm looking forward to seeing many more! (and shout out to my mom for my amazing room!!)

I have a confession to make. Coming back, I knew I wasn't really going to fit in again. My mindset has been changed so completely and there is just no way to get that mindset without having been in the experiences of life over there. That was something I accepted as fact, and was I thought ok with. But then that observation started slipping into more. It started to slip into me being prideful and judging everyone around me. I caught myself  being insanely pessimistic about everyone and everything. Nothing was good enough compared to my home and family in Thailand. Something I honestly just realized. But seriously, how stupid is that? That I took this huge gift God has given me of the past year, and turned it into something I can feel superior about? None of it has had anything to do with me. If anything, the past year has shown how incapable I am and how I am completely reliant on God for my everything. I started mentally distancing myself from everything here while longing already to be back out in the mission field.. And I also don't think it's wrong for me to want to be in the missions field. I think that is where God has called me and so naturally, that is where my heart will be. I also don't know if I will ever really belong in Kansas. But I'm not every other person in Kansas, and they aren't me. There certainly do NOT need to be thousands of me in the world(can you imagine? what a nightmare!) so why should I be comparing myself and what God does with me, to what God does with other people? It's for sure not something I can say I've completely stopped doing. Thankfully, God was gracious enough to smack me in the head with it. My goal is to really just start focusing on all God is doing here, and all the positive things. I don't know how long I'll be in Kansas but God has me here for a reason right now. It's time I stopped whining and started figuring that out and acting on it. Just because I'm back here, doesn't mean I'm serving God any less than over there. It's easy to think that only 'missionaries' are serving God. But that just doesn't make sense. While God has called everyone to share Him with those around them, He certainly hasn't called everyone to pick up everything and go do missions work in a foreign country. What would happen to everyone we left behind? Serving God is about bringing God glory in everything you do. Making Him smile on every aspect of your life. He has you were you're at for a reason. :)

Countdown...

First countdown complete!! Happy Valentines Day!! Well, it is here in Thailand anyways. I have a wonderful Valentine today, thank you Bethany ;) Who just can't seem to find surprises out! I had her present hidden in one of my drawers and for some reason she decides to start going through my drawers and sees it! So the surprise is ruined but oh well...

Second countdown-- 2 days! till Bethany and I get on a plane to Malaysia. She needed to get out of country for her visa so I am 'escorting' her to Malaysia where we will stay for 1 day before I fly straight home from there. This is also the countdown to some very very difficult goodbyes to all the people here who have become like family to me in so many different ways.

Third countdown-- 4 days, goodbye to Bethany. I think this will be the hardest goodbye I have to say. Neither of us are sure what we are going to do without each other. Right after I say goodbye, I'll be getting on a plane to fly half way around the world by myself with a broken back. I love adventure!

Fourth countdown-- 5 days, touchdown in America!! I am so excited to see all my family and friends! I have missed them all so much!! I'm also super excited to just be back in America. I am so proud to be an American!

Fifth countdown -- 2 1/2 months, till I can get out of this back brace!! It's already driving me crazy and I'm going insane with the little amount of physical activities I can do!

All of these countdowns have my head swirling in a fury of thoughts and emotions. I am so so so excited to be home and seeing family. But at the same time, the goodbyes will be some of the hardest of my life. My time here I feel has forged some of the strongest bonds I have ever had. I have changed so much here and grown into a very different person, and these people have been with me every single day. Sharing a house with them has let them see me at my best and my worst. I have to admit quite a few insecurities in coming home to the people I left behind. I'm holding tightly to the security I have gained in Christ since coming here. I'm not sure what the future holds or how I'll be able to handle myself being back in America. I can only imagine it's going to be a bit of a rough transition.

Thankfully all of this pales in comparison to another countdown. The countdown of Christ's return. Except this is a countdown we have no date for. Instead, we are called to live like it's tomorrow. And so that is my plan in returning home and making so many choices that I'll be called upon to make once back. Even with a broken back, I want to live like Christ is coming home tomorrow. Making every single second count. Every day finding a new way to bring Him the glory He is so entirely worthy of.

I Will Follow

So, it is now almost 1am here in Chaing Mai and I'm wide awake in bed when I really need to be asleep. Tomorrow I am going to be watching/coaching from the sidelines my kids that I have been teaching at their very first horse show. They are super excited and so am I. However, I am getting picked up at 6:45am.

But there is way way way too much on my mind right now to sleep. Earlier today, I found out that I compound fractured my T12. With that comes the restrictions of no mopeds, no horses, no lifting, little bending, no floor sitting and about a million and a half other things I 'can't' do for the next 3 months. I also have a wonderfully annoying brace that will also be with me that long. When I first heard I thought the choices of what to do would be hard. But surprisingly, I feel like God has given me such an incredible peace about one option; going home.

Now while I am in fact at peace about that choice and that it is the one God wants me to make, it doesn't make my heart at any less of a slight turmoil. Part of me is so so sad to be leaving here. There were a lot of dreams and goals I had for the next couple months. A lot of lives I was hoping to be able to impact. I also am so beyond sad at the friendships I will be leaving here. That will be the hardest part. Not sure how I'm gonna live without my Bethany haha or anyone else here either! Part of me is also so excited! I am so excited to be home and see my family and friends and just to be back in America. I feel like my life has in a way been on 'hold' while I've been here. I am also super excited about what thing it is God is bringing me to there that He needed me away from here so badly! I think that is where I am feeling the most peace.

Last year, when I messed up my shoulder, I looked at it as the end of what God had been doing in me. I saw it as a complete reversal of everything He'd been doing. Now with my new injury, that is also totally throwing a curveball in what God has been doing in my life, I am just thrilled with it. I KNOW God has a plan. I don't doubt for half a second God has had me here for a reason. I don't doubt that I was supposed to stay here. I'm not sure why, but that really doesn't matter. I trust Him. Maybe it was for how much I have grown in the past couple months. Maybe it was for someone here. Maybe it was just to keep me out of something at home. But I know that He had me here. And now I'm just so excited to see what new and incredible things He has planned for me back in good ole Kansas.

PS The title is from Chris Tomlin's Song "I Will Follow" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ohvhmGSfxI&ob=av2n

Faithfulness

What a week! In about an hour I will be heading to the doctor's office to get my back xrayed.On Wednesday of this week, I took a pretty hard fall off of a horse and landed flat on my butt and have been in a lot of pain ever since. To the point I seriously look like a grandma walking around and trying to stand up or sit down(no offense meant to any grandmas out there! just lots of love to ya; i'm sympathizing with you! :) ) I thought about taking a video of me doing that, but decided everyone might not share my same sense of humor at pain. This fall came right on top of being sick for the first half of the week.

But ya know what? So what! God is so entirely faithful. We can be at the darkest of times, and He provides. My last blog I wrote about some of the troubles I was facing in being here. Within a week of writing that, He had provided the complete amount for me to buy a plane ticket home. Months ago He started preparing a friendship He knew would help sustain me through this whole time of living here, the amazingly, wonderful, incredible, Bethany. She is always always always there for me and has done so much for me. I don't know what I would have done without her. He also provided me with three extra pairs of parents while I'm here. The Rathmells, the Shorts and the Mintz. Jenn and Buddy have let me stay at their house this week as I'm recovering from the fall. I also have great friends back at the farm who love to come up and see me and bring me candy! Last week, I even had a guy who liked the way I trained horses send me and my team at the farm a very nice lunch of fish and fries and pumpkin and potatoes and salad ! God even provided the money for me to go to the doctor today through a friend of Jenn's who was over at the house yesterday. Does life get hard following God? Absolutely!! Does He always have a plan and provide, even when we as less than all knowing humans can't see it? Without room for doubt. I ask you all to take the time to listen to this song. It's one of my favorites and just sooo true! I pray you all can see how God is just so alive and working in the world today. He is NOT a God who just created us and left. He's here today, loving YOU. Watching over You. Providing for YOU. Even when you can't see it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlA5IDnpGhc

Work!!

Wow!! It's been forever since I last posted!! So much seems to have happened since then, so first a quick overview of life.

I graduated DTS on December 14 and over the following days said a very sad goodbye to most of the team. However, Ange Bethany and I had a little more time together. Thanks to Dave and Julie Mintz, I was able to go down with them, Bethany, and Ange and her parents to go spend a week on the beach in Phuket. Talk about beautiful! I got the best tan I've had in my entire life just chilling on the beach with Ange and Bethany. We had such a fun time and it's a week I'll never forget. At the end of the week, we came back to Chiang Mai and we said goodbye to Ange for a while.zi moved into the farm and now have my own room! It's pretty amazing. I even have something to put my clothes in instead of my suitcase. Oh the little things in life... Christmas dinner was over at the Rathmells house. It was great to be able to have Christmas in a home with a family and amazing food!!! I ate so much... man. Later that night Bethany and I went with the German team to go see Sherlock Holmes 2. It was an overall incredible day. Later that week, things got crazy again as we had a horse colic on us. Bethany had been spending the night that night and so her, Esther(my friend/housemate at the farm) and I pulled an all night keeping the horse alive. The poor thing had tubes up his nose, an iv, a hand up his bum and walked for hours. But he's alive now so that's what counts! :) That weekend it was New Years. Bethany, Esther and I spent New Years at the farm. We built a bonfire(that only took an hour, and some flammable house hold liquids to get started) and baked German bread and sausage over it. We all had so much fun and Bethany found her calling as a Piro.  Since then it has been just a life of figuring everything out around here. Learning the ropes of the daily schedule and all that fun stuff. The farm is finally starting to feel like some semblance of a home. My schedule starts at 6am and ends at 7pm. So life is super busy but good.

Something that I've really realized the past couple weeks is that if you tell God to take your life and let it be for Him and not about you, you'd better seriously mean it. There are so many sacrifices to living for Him. At the DTS graduating, Jenn Rathmell (who spoke that day :) ) told me that I would always be able to work myself into, or out of anything. But that I needed to be careful to not get caught on my working, but rather God working(I think getting caught up in pride also falls under that). That is totally true and I'm being soooo stretched right now over working! I like earning every little thing that I work for. But now I'm having to live off of support from people in the States and from the Farm. And honestly, I don't have much support raised from the States but there is nothing more I can do about that, I can't work anymore for that, it has to be God. That's scary to me! Also, when I stayed here, I lost  my plane ticket because they wouldn't let me trade to a later date. So I'm here with no plane ticket home and no way of making money to pay for one. That's terrifying! Even if I wanted I can't even just get a job at a local 7-11 because of work permits. I am currently sharing mopeds with friends and mostly having to depend on just riding with them. That's hard for me! I am having to live away from my family and friends who I love and miss so much! God is reminding me everyday that is through Him alone that I need to live. All of those things I learned during DTS I now get to put into practice. And it's hard. Now, I don't want any of this to come off as whining. I know it sounds like it. But truly, I'm happy here and I know that God has a complete and perfect plan. I trust Him and that He knows what He is doing much better than I do. But I also think there is often this allusion that if you are following God and giving your life to Him, things get easy. And that's just so not true! God called us to pick up our cross and follow Him. He didn't say anything about a flowers and gold. But He did say while we are bearing that cross, He's always there, and always loves, and is there to be our strength.